Hi,

I just came back from my dad’s side family gathering to commemorate Oma’s passing. We usually do this when someone died. I wasn’t exactly enthused to come along. It’s not because I don’t wanna honor her memory, it’s just I try to stay away from the things these people are capable of. My Oma isn’t your typical run of the mill grandmotherly type of Oma. She was a force to be reckon with. She was an acquired taste; she wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea. She would speak her mind that didn’t go well with people. そう言うおばあちゃんでした. I think it would be fairly normal if a lot of people didn’t like her.

As for me, she’d say that I dressed ‘slordeh’ and weird (which came from her as she too stood out from the crowd), she’d tell me what to do, and tell me that my boyfriend was cute but looked like a cicak (house lizard) because he’s skinny. Most of the times I find it endearing and amusing, rather than annoying. Sometimes, I tell stories about her to my friends while mimicking the way she speaks as she is so quirky. She’d say things like, ugly looking thousand rupiah bills as ‘uang busuk’ and ‘jalan tikus’ as the road for ‘orang-orang rakyat’. She had Dutch background, so that was why she could come off as being high and mighty for us ‘inlander’.

Earlier we had this talk in the family gathering about her. People are remembering her in their own way. Nice words are being thrown around as tears would come rolling down their faces. But there I was, couldn’t help but thinking that the tears will pass and our family condition would be back to were it once was again -pithy and problematic- as soon as this little soiree is over. I do hope I’m wrong but the events that took place afterwards proved to be otherwise. It was like business as usual in our clan. But I guess it’s okay. That’s just how people are. No one can change that. It’s just made me wonder why this kind of soiree is necessary in the first place.

To be honest, I’m still distraught because of her passing. I haven’t let the reality of it all struck me just yet. I need to sort things out. Last night I had a dream of her, hugging me and thanking me. I was somewhat relieved. I feel like a bit of burden has been taken from me. For a Taurus that I am, any dramatic changes takes time to get used to. I’m doing my best and I’m praying the best for Oma.

It’s been along time since I wrote in this blog and since then a lot of things happened. The good, the bad, this last year has been full of it. Recently, I just resigned from JICA after working for 4 years because I got a job offer at Aoi Advertising Promotion Inc., which is a Japanese production house that focuses on making commercials. I am thrilled about this job! I’ve always wanted to work in the creative field. My friend, Emi san, made the interview happened so I owed it to her. The job doesn’t start until May this year since they were having some setbacks on their schedules to the disaster in Japan. I decided that I should take a one month sabbatical before the new job starts. Hey, it’s been a long time since I’ve been bumming around in my parents’ house.

That was the good. On the other end of the spectrum, my Oma just died on April 1st. I haven’t seen her since last year and didn’t get to see her before she was buried. Honestly, I still don’t know to react to this. At one part, I can just consider that she is still okay and I just hadn’t gotten the chance to see her yet. This, I think would be easier, than accepting the fact that I wasn’t there to see her for be last time. I can’t say that we were particularly close but it sorta felt like it. I really can’t explain. You can say that I have a love-meh relationship with her. Old people are sorta my soft spots, so my Oma does make me go squee but she, being the Batak she is, has an attitude.

When I was little I use to sleep over at her house. At the time I thought that she was really nice. Those sleepovers were the highlight of my school holidays. She lived in a nice housing complex with a basketball court in front of her house. For a kid that and the freedom to ride bikes on paved streets were enough for a good time. I don’t quite remember but on Sundays she usually take me jogging with her. She’d wake up early on the morning, gear up -which includes putting her Walkman- and jog around her block. I remember she listened to a French kid name Jordy (look it up on YouTube). So yeah, after that she moved to Jakarta and there went my Sunday jogging with her.

After that things were kinda messy with the death of my Opa. It was then I realized that words can hurt and she was somewhat malicious. I should note that she and Opa were divorced. Since then I try to get close enough with giving her the opportunity to snap at me.

Oma’s death was kinda complicated. I mean, when my Opa died, I was nine and things were simpler. Opa was nice, he came by to meet me and my brother almost everyday just to give us our favorite pastry from a particular bakery. He took me to my piano and ballet lessons. He was a nice grandparent to look up to. I remember whining and crying in a record shop, pleading him to buy me the newest Michael Jackson album, Dangerous (mind you that I was obsessed with Michael Jackson as a kid). He couldn’t buy it, because his pension money hadn’t come through. Finally he called my dad at work, and somehow I got the cassette later that night. I must be such a handful back then. When he died, all there was was this big hole in me, to see someone whose existence was a constant as the sun to be taken away from me. I loved him, I still do. There was nothing but love for my Opa.

Now, I’m still sorting out my feelings toward her. I try to let go all of the negativity, be it from her or from me. It is very difficult. I don’t wannabe a hypocrite by saying that I will let the bygones be bygones when I still can’t. I’m still sorting everything out. All that I can say that I am trying really hard to forgive myself, and her. When I do, I can finally say, “Goodbye, Oma, rest in peace, I love you.”

‘Why?’ you may (or may not) silently ask. Aside from the obvious traffic in the bustling yet organized metropolis that is Jakarta (pfffftt), I simply like it here. It’s not that I don’t like my rented room, —although it could use an air conditioner, cable tv with a DVD player, an internet connection, and things that makes me go ‘whee~’ and ‘squee~’ and less of the brusque landlady— but it hasn’t got enough room for my to let my mind wander and people watching. That’s why I like big fuck off malls, other than the wide space there are also dozens of people running about. If I’m lucky I could sometimes spot deranged old ladies with dried-bush-like bouffants carrying their Birkins or Prada or whatever and wearing platform sandals. Bouffants are the middle-aged mall-bound housewives equivalent of a military rank or office hierarchy. The taller the bouffant, the higher the husbands position. A messy and tall bouffant is like post power syndrome, it reached tall and glorified places but it’s collapsing like a failed soufflé. Umm, that’s about enough of the bouffant. Didn’t spot any today. Wasn’t my lucky day.

Back to the mall thingy. I’ve been doing this since when I was in college. No money, posh malls. I haven’t been able to put it in simple words before, but now, ah, now I have come up with a name for it. Simply put it’s the Breakfast in Tiffany’s Syndrome. I like it here because people are seemingly happy and have charmed lives like nothing went wrong in life and in the world. It’s the kind of world I wanna live in. That’s why I like it here.

But really live has been busy. To recap, my boss, (or should I say former boss) Uchida san’s project in Indonesia is over and he had to get back to Japan, thus transferring me to another project concerning Marine Security. If you guys remember, my first JICA job was on the railway sector then I got transferred to the aircraft safety and now to the ocean sector, which makes it complete. I’ve worked in all three areas of transportation.

My current job is not as challenging as the last job. I don’t get to do a lot and go places. So, I’m currently looking for a new job. My current boss told me that our project is currently in danger and he said it’s probably best if I could find a new one soon. So yeah, I’m currently job hunting. I did tried out an interview with Asahi Shimbun. It worked out well but at the end I couldn’t get the job cause my supposed boss-to-be got reassigned to Kyoto. I was so bummed when I knew about it. It could be the most exciting job ever. But not to worry I still have time till the next opportunity knocks XD

Because my current is one station further than my last, I’ve gotten tiresome of the long commute. Not to mention that I now have after hours meeting with my event organizer, Go Raikon (we’ll get to this later) and practice every Sunday noon with On! Project and even something as simple as a night out with the boyfie (and we’ll get back to this later). So taking everything into consideration I decided to rent a room in Jakarta near my workplace to make things a whole lot simple. It’s just a 5 minute walk away. I’ve been losing weight since I stayed here pretty much from walking, and not eating as much and climbing the stairs to get to my room on the 4th floor. But all is good.

So let me tell you something about Go Raikon. Remember when I help out with the cosplay event and exhibition at the Japan Indonesia Expo back in 2008. My band of friends (Vero included) worked together with Komutoku (mainly with Richie, Erlan and Juki). The event was a success, it gave On! Project the kick start they need and it also gave us me, Vero, Richie, Juki, Erlan a chance to work together, which lead us to the forming of Go Raikon. One of the reason was that since this event we have been working together a lot, so we decided why not make this into something real that could give us a chance to do our hobby and create engaging events for people to enjoy. Our first big project was handling the entertainment portion of an open air event in Blok M’s Little Tokyo called Ennichisai. The event itself was a success even though there are some minor misses on the day of the event. I really hope we could help create more engaging events like this in the future XD

On! Project has been doing well even though there are some challenges like scheduling conflicts, school and other activities that made us lost a few members. Personally, I was quite bummed at the time and wanted to give the whole idoling stuff up, since personally I’m not really a big fan of idol groups ^^;; but supports from the remaining members, other people from the management and fans of the group are the things that kept me going. Now we are more stable than before with 4 regular members being serious about what their doing. Other than dance covers we also have our original songs thanks to our two composers. According to plan the girls will start recording on November. So wish us luck, because we need all the luck we could get ^^

And now bout the boyfriend part… Yesh, I do have a boyfriend for six months now. Surprise, surprise. He does flourish (free-styling with cards, go google it) and a bit of magic, on weekends he works as his mom’s hypnotherapy assistant, which to be honest, is taking up our time together and it kinda gets to me. It makes me go ‘meh’ some of the time but I do enjoy his company and he’s a nice guy. But just for the record, I’m not trying to make this into something serious because serious relationships really freaks me out. We’ll see how it goes okay ^^;

Well what is an update without mentioning something about L’Arc~en~Ciel XD Naturally I’m planning to see them on their anniversary tour next year. Funny thing I had a dream of Ken saying that they will hold a concert in Singapore XD Let’s see if it turned our to be true

I admit that at times I do feel that I haven’t had enough, that’s just me being a brat and. of course being human, because that’s just the thing that drives us to do better, to reach higher and be a better human being. I think that in this moment of my youth, though at times I do feel old, it is, in fact my time to achieve more. I have ambitions and I plan to reach them in my own way, which in many times is unstructured, random and unplanned since I understand now that I see only things that are right in front of me. But I’m certain that I can accomplish them.

So about my birthday wish this year… I really can’t say, not because of that birthday wish tradition but because I don’t know what to wish for, at least not yet. Maybe success in career, especially in my side job rather than my day job, maybe an easier way to see L’Arc in 2011, maybe luck in love, maybe the basic things like health and maybe wealth.

The thing is, whatever the condition maybe I hope I can find happiness even if it is in the little things without losing the will to achieve more, without getting jaded and losing that zest that makes life colorful, without losing that energy and spontaneity and randomness and love for live.

Lastly, to mom and dad, thank you for raising me to be the person I am, no matter how painfully irritating it was, for your side and/or mine.

On with the things that I do enjoy, I find long walks alone are simply meditative and yet very contemplative at the same time. When I walk I think about many things but not really thinking about them at all. So things just go through and out of my head. It’s a sort of self purification for me. I like to walk under a light rain, but never had the chance to actually do it, because people might think I’m mad… No, not think, people here tend to shout out or worse when they see something odd, the worst being the imminent fact they will stop me and ask me what’s wrong, when nothing is really wrong to begin with. I think it’s best not to do it when there are people around as to avoid communicating with those who don’t understand what long walks in the rain are all about.

The news of a ‘members selection’ best album that comes in four different CD weren’t exactly the kind of activity I was hoping for, that it was another ploy to extort fans. I mean how many ‘best of albums’ one band can release? They already have 4 now, to add another one with ‘a twist’ was just redundant for me to buy seeing that I already have every single CD they’ve released and I have no reason to buy that CD due to my undying love for them and for the sake of completion, well, the L’Arquiz DVD bonus was a tangible bonus

But then there were news that the QUADRINITY CDs wil be remastered, and I thought that this is something actually worth to look forward to! Around the same time down at jrocknyc, Go was having this ‘Choose Your Own Greatest Hits’ for L’Arc in which he asked his readers to pick 3 best songs from L’Arc, one for each different eras. It struck me there, when I feel that extremely hard to nominate which songs are better than the other seeing that all of their songs are nothing short of great. So, there I realize that L’Arc even the post 2000 hiatus is still a great band, regardless. So here I am with my new found love (yet again) toward this awesome band. See you guys in 2011!

P.S. for those of you who are interested, I’m selling all of my VAMPS single including some of the better ones: EVANESCENT and SWEET DREAMS.

Let me describe what the condition was last night. So, Bogor station is surrounded by a market place and it’s not one of those clean ones. The area of the station itself is so-so, with a bit of trash and crumpled up newspaper here and there. There are certain places -outside the platforms- that smell like pee, it doesn’t really surpise me that people (especially men) still don’t use the toilet to pee. So imagine this place and add it with a huge rain. So yeah.

Valentine's Day is coming. I have no special plans other than to gorge in some lovely parfait somewhere in Jakarta with friends. My boss suggested a sashimi and sushi restaurant for me and my friends to have our Valentine's Day fiesta. Not sure that we would go there, though. Valentine's day and raw seafood doesn't really go together. I mean that's why they associate Valentine's Day with chocolates, right? So the rest of us who don't have that significant someone to have the same endorphin levels as the ones that do by popping chocolate hearts the whole day XD

Last week me, Shaki and Vro went for dinner and some window shopping at Grand Indonesia. So they have these fortune telling booths there so we thought we should go and give it a try. There were two fortune tellers and their methods were aura reading and card reading. Well, seeing that I can read Tarot cards every one decided to go with the aura reading. The fortune was a middle aged lady and my fortune was: 1. That I have a strong personality (I guess so), 2. Problems with health are mainly regarding to my stomach (I do have problems with my stomach lately), 3. No problem with money and jobs, but problems with my study (not so sure about this one since my contract will be over this March), 4. There won't be any chances for me to go abroad this year but she sees a journey for me next year (2011!!!), 5. I will meet my soulmate on April-May (I don't really believe in the whole soulmate thing but I guess we just have to wait and see). So yeah.